


nosce quanti aestimanda sis

by sweaternub



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Pathfinder (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Basically just Ellie finding herself and love along the way, F/M, Introspection, Romance, a lot of feelings happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 00:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13065405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweaternub/pseuds/sweaternub
Summary: "I would have rejected the world to keep me safe, had two of my greatest loves not convinced me of it’s worth."An introspective piece about my NPC character in an upcoming campaign, Eleanora Ravenmourn.





	1. a little wicked

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, reader! Welcome to the fic. My first post on this site, and I'm nervous as hell, but I'm really proud of this piece. It used to be one long fic, but I split it up into chapters so it's easier to digest. Hope you enjoy!

**_Abomination. Soulless. Wicked._ **

These were not words ever spoken in my presence, but they could be felt at every turn of a head, every hard stare as I passed through a room. “You should not give these thoughts power,” my mother says; whatever the lower-standing members of my house may think of me, they do not know enough to despise me for what I really am. How could they? The circumstances of my birth are ones kept hidden from all but my closest relatives, those who harbor the full brunt of our family secret—yet my mind is as creative as it is traitorous.  

I can imagine the scorn as those words tumble from civilian lips, the disgust directed at my mother and I in equal share, their judgement already made for the crime of my existence. I hate how their eyes stab at me, like they can see where the humanity ends and the creature begins. I can see it, too, if I look hard enough.

I was 5 years old when I started covering mirrors.

I took shelter in the dark, the instinctual domain of my kind. I was content there with my books of old magics and hexes to keep me company.  Even there, I was not safe from the things that lurk. Because I refused to see myself, the hundred eyes still reached to the heart of me, piercing muscle and bone until I begged to let me go. And yet I stayed, retreating further down until I can hear nothing but the steady rhythm of my pumping blood.

I would have rejected the world to keep me safe, had two of my greatest loves not convinced me of it’s worth.


	2. cause that's what I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the laws of nature, they should have been enemies. Even so, she can't find it in herself to turn away.

The first love came when I was barely thirteen. Our mothers had planned the meeting—their families had grown up together, and the time apart raising their own had left them nostalgic. They would wander around Amberheim, exchanging stories and reliving old memories, while I was to be left alone in the care of the second-born Eckhart daughter. My breath caught in my chest the moment I saw her; tanned, freckled,  _golden_. Her twinkling smile widened with her excitement. She was like the sun incarnate. I was so terrified of melting in her presence, I stood the whole rooms width apart from her while she tried to lure me into one of her games. It could not have been a very stimulating conversation for her, as I only offered mumbling, one-word responses and the occasional nod.

I would later come to understand that Lily was not one to allow another person to wallow in their own, self-induced misery. Not while she was around to fix it.

“Oh, I know something you’d like! C’mon, follow me!”

And though everything within me was screaming to stay put, the lonely little girl decided to follow the wisp of light. We turned a few corridors before stopping at a set of glass double-doors. Bright beams of sunlight streamed through the panes, and instinctively, I came to a halt just before their reflection on the stone floors.

“Hehe, you’re really gonna love this, Ellie! No one can resist the splendor of the Eckhart family gardens! Let’s go!” Without any malice, she took hold of my hand and tried to guide me into the sun, but the moment I felt the heat on my abnormally pale flesh, I screamed in terror. It startled Lily, allowing me to scurry back to the shade, but my feet did not stop until I found the safety of a small, dark room.

 _She knows_ , I thought,  _she knows, she knows, and she’ll hate me!_

I’m not sure how long I sat curled in the broom closet before the door opened the tiniest crack, revealing a glowing, golden eye. “Ellie? Ellie, I’m so sorry!” Lily threw open the door, tears spilling from her eyes as she threw herself to her knees in front of me. “Did I hurt you? Oh, gods, I’m so terrible! I-I didn’t know the sun could hurt you, I’m so, so sorry!”

“N-no, it’s…” I hiccup as tears trickled down my cheeks, “It’s not your fault. It’s me. I’m…wrong. I’m  _wrong_.”

“Huh? Wait, what do you mean, you’re  _wrong_?”

Her shaky hands were on me then, patting my wet cheeks dry and soothing my hair. “Lady Ellie Ravenmourn, you are not, in any way, wrong! S-so what if the sun scares you a little? That doesn’t make you wrong, it…it makes you like the moon! You’re just as pretty—twice that, even! And Papa’s always saying how the moon is too shy to meet the sun, so it only comes out at night. Maybe it’s the same for you?”

To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. This girl I had only just met, out of no obligation of blood or contract, showed me more consideration in a single hour than most of my relatives gave in a lifetime. Her arms enveloped me in a protective embrace and, contrary to my earlier fears, her warmth did not burn my skin. Instead, it brought with it a peace I did not know I needed.

“It’ll be alright, Ellie. All you need is to work up the courage to greet the sun. We can wait in here until you’re ready!”

Lily leapt up from her spot to close the door, shrouding us in complete darkness. Yet, as she sat next to me, I did not feel the same apprehension as I would in the quiet of my home. There were no eyes to judge, no creeping dread in the dark. Only two silly girls hiding from the day.

The moon should rise to face it.

“Lily, I… I think I want to try now.”

“You mean it? Great! Don’t worry, I grabbed something that should help!”

The item turned out to be an elaborately designed parasol, meant to keep the worst of the rays from my eyes. Lily was later scolded for ‘tampering with a priceless Eckhart family heirloom’, but she assured me it was worth the verbal lashing to see me have my first official frolic in the sunlight.

When my mother and I at last returned to our estate, I removed the cover from my mirror.

The girl I saw was pale, tall, perhaps even comely with her brilliant green eyes and shiny black hair. The touch of undeath was still apparent, but somehow, it seemed right. Not fully human, nor vampiric. Just  ** _right_**.

**+++**

The little light kept me close. With her gentle tending, I bloomed anew. She took the time to make a place for me in her life, but I could not be her epicenter. As much as I can wish for day, I am doomed to the obscurity of night. And I envied her glow as much as I craved it near me. I felt the gnarly thorns in my chest when I’d catch those lovesick fools staring a moment too long, holding her near for a second more than necessary—I was jealous. More than that, I was  _confused_. If I were all these beautiful things she claimed I was, why were my attempts at romance met with rejection, disinterest, fear? Was I meant for my mother’s plight? Father’s love is there even when he is not, she’d soothe, but those are simple placations for her own uncertainty. Will I be making the same excuses when I am settled into a hallow marriage? It was a daily mantra, wondering where I went astray.

It would be four more years before I realized my mistake: I had spent so long pining for an angel’s touch, I did not think to seek the devil’s kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's form of speech is more dramatic than I'm used to writing, but it was still fun!


	3. i'll pray the Lord his soul to take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He understood her in a way only unmentionables like themselves could. Her only regret was that she did not go to him sooner.

“Ellie, my one true love! The moon of my life!”

I giggled as Lily ran into my arms, giving me a tight squeeze around my middle. “Hello, my golden sun. Have you missed me so terribly that you must proclaim your love before these prying ears? What will the lords and ladies think?”

“…That you’re wonderful?”

“If you say so, sunshine.”

She smiled sheepishly, keeping a hand at my back as she guided me through the crowd. Royal gatherings were always a bore in comparison to the lavish galas hosted by the Ravenmourns, but if it gave me the chance to see my precious friend, I would gladly accept these harrowing bouts of yawning.

“I’ll come clean, Ellie. My flattery does have an ulterior motive.”

“No,” I mock gasped, “After everything we’ve shared? I can’t believe you’d resort to such deceptions.”

“Yes, yes, I’m the  **worst** , what with the way I’ve cared for you deeply, told you all my darkest secrets, and tried to protect you from anything that might inconvenience you. Inconveniences like, say, the pair that  _just_  arrived.”

I bristled at the information, fully aware of what her tone implied.

“I see. The Everwhites decided to make their grand entry, then? How obnoxious. And what do you plan to provide as a distraction, darling?”

“Well, better company, for one,” she grinned.

“Ah, you have me there.”

“Two: while I enjoy starting a few squabbles here and there, it’s infinitely more fun to watch my mother deal with it, instead. That woman’s ferocity is inspiring! She’s been drinking, too, so you know it’s going to get  **vicious**.”

“Mm, that  _does_  sound entertaining.”

“Excellent! We’ll go find a safe spot to spectate after we join the rest of the ‘better company’.”

I didn’t have to ask exactly  _who_ she considered such, as I immediately received my answer in the form of two familiar tiefling gentlemen. Her cousins were to join us, then? I recognized the horned splendor of Ather Cuttonhart, the acting head of their house. Our status in the court made it impossible for us to have not met, but such meetings were fleeting, too short to forge any sort of meaningful relationship, despite our connecting link. The last I had heard, the oldest brother was still away at training, which made this other, cloaked tiefling the youngest Cuttonhart.

Upon noticing her approach, the hooded tiefling dashed toward Lily, throwing himself on her with a theatrical sob.

“Dearest cousin, at last you return! How could you have abandoned me in my darkest hour? Ather has been an absolute beast without you here to keep him at bay! Personally, I think it’s all the wine—just look at him, he’s completely unhinged,” he cried, pointing an accusatory finger at the tired face of his long-suffering sibling.

“Oh, you’re right. He’s ready to pounce.”

“Please, don’t encourage him,” the ‘ferocious’ brother sighed. “All I did was suggest that he remove his cloak, lest Aunt Olivia remove it from him permanently. He then proceeded to hiss and make cat noises at me until you arrived, followed by lying about me— _within earshot_ ,” Ather paused to take a long sip from his glass, “And here we are.”

Lily pat the hooded man’s head sympathetically, “As much as it may pain you, Morgan, he’s right. Better to ditch it now and than to risk mother’s wrath while she’s still riding the high of scolding two fully grown women.”

“Now, now, darling,” I chimed in, entirely too amused by the family’s antics, “Why not let the poor thing enjoy himself while he can? A little cover couldn’t hurt.”

“ **Finally**! Someone that under– …stands.”

At last, Morgan’s eyes connect with my own; they are still as soft a blue as I remembered, the one constant between the child ages ago and the man before me now. Inspecting further, I see the bags settled under them, the wavy mop of matching blue that brushes his cheeks, the squareness of his jaw that hangs open as he scrutinizes me from top to bottom. It’s a rugged face, but a handsome one.

“Oh, that’s right, I’ve been meaning to get to this! I know you’ve met before, but allow me to formally introduce you all. Ellie, this is Ather and Morgan Cuttonhart, my lovely cousins—I’ll have to introduce you to Walder another day, paladin rituals are relentless—and boys, this is Eleanora Ravenmourn, my platonic life-partner,” Lily concluded with a pleased clap. “There, don’t you feel closer, now?”

“I’m not sure about that, but it is good to see you again, Lady Eleanora.” Ather gave a polite bow at the waist while looking curiously at his younger brother, who had yet to move from his slack-jawed state. “Morgan? Are you alright?”

Nothing.

“Uh, Morgan?” Lily poked the tip of his nose. Not even a flinch. “Isn’t there something you’d like to say to Ellie? A ‘how do you do’? A single word, perhaps?”

“Maybe we shouldn’t disturb him. At least he’s quiet, now,” Ather mumbled into his glass.

With impeccable speed, Morgan was before me, mere inches away from my face. Those gorgeous eyes were lit with a passion that set my heart aflutter. I’ll never forget the way his hands frantically grasped one of mine, the desperation as he finally spoke:

“PLEASE, STEP ON ME.”

Whatever we were expecting to happen, none of us were prepared for  _that_. Ather instantly gagged on his drink. Lily was frozen in place, her expression telling me she was torn between aiding her choking cousin and beating the other one. And as for me…

All I could do was laugh.

Even I was surprised by its sound. It wasn’t the usual light-hearted giggle nor the forced sound of politeness for my older brother’s outdated jests, but something far more…sensual. Decorum would have that I take offense to this man’s proposition.  Instead I found myself wondering how sweet those eyes would look from under my heel.

“Oh, my, aren’t you  _adorable_ **.** I might be moved to grant your plea—after you’ve joined me for a dance.”

Morgan’s brows rose at the gentle purr of my demand. “Uh…yes. Yes! Of course. I would be honored, my lady.”

With a reverent kiss upon my hand, he entwined our fates indefinitely.

I don’t remember ever dancing for as long as we did that night. Few words were exchanged then, though he gazed at me as if they were there on his tongue, awaiting release. I will admit, I delighted in the way my smile would color his cheeks so vividly, ensuring his silence. Morgan’s actions outshined where his words had failed.

Those mischievous fingers would roam up the low back of my gown, tasting the bare skin with devious intent. There was a boyish grin he’d give each time he felt the goosebumps he’d caused. Yes, Morgan certainly played into his infernal nature, however, there was hesitation in his grip. His hold on me was protective, yet yielding. Allowed me a way to escape, should I wish to take it; my wish was to never be free from it again.  

“I believe I’ve grown tired of this crowd, darling. Would you mind…accompanying me to my quarters?”

His composure slipped with a startled widening of his eyes. Then it was gone, replaced with the smirk I was growing quite fond of. “As you wish, my murder of crows.”

Now that I reminisce on that glorious night, I notice how little I spoke with my lover. Even during the walk to the guest rooms, I was too lost in my thoughts to fake pleasantries. What should I do if he wished to join me in my bed, I wondered. I would not turn him away, that much was certain. An evening of passion was necessary after he had teased me so thoroughly. Is that all it would be? Could I dare to hope for more?

Apparently, my darling one was having similar reservations. As we approached the end of our stroll, Morgan turned to me with a furrowed brow.

“My lady, might I confess something to you?”

“Hm?”

“It’s just…I hope you can forgive me for, well…”

“Morgan,” I stroked my thumb against his cheekbone, “There is no need to apologize. Please, tell me what troubles you. You will not offend me.”

He leaned into my touch, placing his rough fingers over mine to keep them there. “I don’t know what to do. This is…not what I expected to happen.  _None_  of this is. Ever since you invited me to dance, I’ve been grasping at straws trying to be the charming servant you deserve. You…you didn’t dismiss me outright, or deny me the pleasure of your company at any point this night. I guess I’m a little puzzled on how I made it this far without scaring you off.”

Instantly, the reason for his earlier behavior becomes obvious.

“You were quiet because you thought I would turn you away?”

“…Yes. The thought of saying something wrong, when just the sight of you is enough make me feel like this,” he moved my hand against his chest, the pounding within beating wildly against my palm, “I didn’t want to risk it. It would break me to see you walk away, but if that’s what you want, I will not stop you.”

For the first time, I saw the parallels between us. The tainted blood, the doubts, the need to hide, all of it. “Neither will I,” I choked back the lump in my throat, “You are the first to pursue me as ardently as you have—the first to pursue me at all. You are sweet, dear bunny. If there is still a part of you that wishes to be free of me, I will not stop you, either.  But, if what you say is true, then I would have you here beside me. In my bed, or otherwise.”

I thought I saw a few tears welling in his eyes, but they were gone by the time he at last let down the hood from his head. “In that case, there is something else I must confess to you, my lady.” His body caged me against the door, eyes darkened with the same heat mirrored in my own. “I would very much like to kiss you right now.”

I leaned in close, close enough for our noses to bump, and our breaths to mingle together, whispering, “Start with my lips, then work your way down, pet.”

We did not actually make it into our room until our ‘festivities’ were interrupted by one flustered, horrified maid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting a little spicy. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Despite it's success here, I would not recommend you follow Morgan's methods of seduction unless you're looking to get smacked with a restraining order.


	4. there's a serpent in these still waters lying deep down

Naturally, the announcement of our engagement the following morning spawned utter chaos among both our families.  _It was too sudden_ , the Cuttonharts raged,  _you didn’t even seek our approval_. They were the first to give way to our plans; Ather was stern, but could not deny his brother the chance to marry the woman he loved. Mine were more subdued in their reactions, but the resulting bitterness over the half-blood marrying into a family of near-royal status was palpable in the air. It seemed fitting that this was the news that drew father’s aloof gaze to me, the new shining pupil of his legacy. Not once were the years of longing for more than a cordial visit enough to make him efficient in his role— ** _no_** , it was the accomplishment of giving myself to another that awards his bastard his attention.

I will not allow any of them to foul this union. Not when I’ve wept so long for a future I thought could only exist in dreams. Not when I’ve at last discovered the truth of me. I am dhampir. I am unnatural. I am…

**_Beautiful. Desired. Worthy._ **

Let them come to me with their falsities; I will tear them down with fangs bared. Let them come to me shrouded with pride; I will teach them to fear where I dwell. Let them call me half-blood, soulless, abomination, wicked; I will show them a woman that is more than they can fathom.

I am Eleanora Ravenmourn, and they will give me the respect I’m owed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that! Thank you for reading!! :D


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